Thinkyness Blog

Self-management.  The holy grail that makes us back in control of our lives and keeps this thing on an even keel.  But it doesn't.  It wards off the worst of things.  Or at least, it gets worse if we don't do it.  

My self-management plan involves sleeping properly (8 hours), exercising regularly (3+ a week), eating properly (a battle done against beloved husband who loves take-out), and socialising as needed.  I take daily medications, and extra when needed medications (which I'll be doing today).  But one of my early realisations, as a control freak of the highest order, was that I have no control over this, whatever I do isn't going to contain the bipolar monster, and that this isn't FAIR.  I spent two psychology sessions trying to grasp that it won't be fair, that it will kick off for no reason and, however "good" I am, however hard I try, it is going to be a lifelong management that doesn't always cover the cracks in the wall of my brain.  I really resisted using the extra medication - it felt like admitting a level of failure (not my strong suit), as if I hadn't controlled this well enough, done well enough, been good enough.  Now it feels like the sensible option - stop the monster in its tracks with a powerful potion of mood lift.

A weird thing that was more than a little confronting was someone in HR asking me if I needed any modifications to my job for my disability. I went "What?  I'm not disabled!". Turns out, legally, I am. That was a bit of a WTF moment.

Today, I'm tired - my own fault, there was this book... - and stressed - we're in the middle of stuff that tops the list of stressful events - and having a lot of emotional events.  My entire social circle is being disrupted, my professional life is changing, and... I'm tired, and sad, and happy, which is exhausting.  I even made a stupid mistake, such a stupid mistake, because brains don't work so well ATM.

The memory thing gets worse when I'm stressed, and so, the lists become more, and I rely on reminders (one of which just went off).  I put important social things in my diary (message friend because X anniversary, ask friend how Important Day went, pay Y bill...).

Today, I will eat properly, and go to the gym.  I will also do my job, do my chores, and function like a grown-up.  But it is going to be an effort, and in a moment, I'm going to go take some extra drugs to make it that bit easier.   I've booked in to see some friends here and there. I'll go out into the sunlight and forgive myself for the mistakes that slipped me up today.  I walked into the boy's office and said "can haz hug?" and got one.  He gets to see the struggle some days, which most others in my life don't (you are quiet today - yes, yes I am). Now, more than usual, it is important to manage my mental health, but also... to be a bit nice to myself, and let those mistakes be acknowledged but not beat myself with them. Make the mistake, fix what you can, and move on.

Also, I'll wash my face because, according to the boy, I have tears all over it.

Sally W
My journey with #bipolarlife
Self-care for #mentalhealth is an EVERY DAY thing.